Just For Fun: The Latest Developments In Redneck Technology

Now, some folks have the notion that southern rednecks are jes unedukated n' ignernt. An' I'm here to tell yuns it jes ain't so. Why, southern redneck gals and guys might enjoy jes plain n' simple livin' in small, backwoods communities or on country farms, but we's some of the most innovative people you'll ever meet.

We're smart with our nickels and dimes, too. We don't need the latest technology or expensive gadgets to repair or design things to make life a bit easier, or just to enjoy some of the finer things in life. Sure, our repairs and contraptions might not always be "conventional", as they say, but, hey...if it works....

 For instance, when Momma Culhane moved in to a bigger house in the city, Junior designed these back porch steps out of wooden pallets that the warehouse in town was gonna throw away. I think he did a fine job, and Momma couldn't be more proud. That rug on the top step jes adds a special touch of elegance, don't yuns think?

And Junior is really handy for repairs around the house, too. When the kitchen cabinets started gittin' loose, like they's 'bout to fall slap off the wall, Junior jes went out to his truck and pulled out one of his ol' car jacks. I gar-an-tee ya them cabinets ain't goin' nowhere now! Momma Culhane didn't raise no dummy.



Junior is quite creative, 'specially when it comes to doing thangs for Momma. When Junior and his 11 brothers and sisters all pitched in bought Momma one of them new, modern flat screen televisions to go in the bedroom of her new house in the city, Junior went to the shed and cut 'er out a stand from a wooden plank.

He just tucked it in whatever that thang is on the floor and attached the television at the top with just a few screws, and placed it at the foot of her bed. Now, anybody else woulda just hung it on the wall or put it on a floor table or some'em. Not Junior...he wants Momma to enjoy simple, modern conveniences.

While Junior is good around the house, his older brother, Billy Bob, is the expert in auto body repair. When the latch on the driver's side door of Momma Culhane's car wore out and wouldn't keep the door shut, Billy Bob installed an external latch. It works like new.

And when that bad tornado of 1983 blew one of Daddy Culhanes' cows slap onto the trunk of Momma's car, it wut'n no time before Billy Bob had done built her a brand new trunk door. They was gonna paint it white to match the car color, but Momma said she thought that wood grain on white looked kinda fancy, sorta like one of those big city town cars. So, they left it that way.

 And Daddy Culhane was a right smart feller, too, God rest his soul. When Daddy was still alive and him and Momma was still livin' on the big farm, and most of their kids was still purty young, I'll never forget one summer when the neighbors up the road went a showin' off their new houseboat on the lake.

All they did was mount their camper on to a makeshift raft. I thought it was ingenious at the time, though. But Daddy Culhane was a proud feller, and wut'n gonna be outdid by nobody. Just looky here what he designed and built all by himself...and he did it in just two days. Yep, the Culhanes enjoyed many a summer vacation in that houseboat on the lake.




Of course, those are but a few examples of redneck enginuity. Take a look at some of the latest developments in redneck technology...

The Outdoor Port-a-Potty

Indoor designer toilet, high-rise model

Horse/Mule Buggy with padded seats (They swivel and recline, too!)

And how 'bout this lightweight indoor/outdoor patio wheelchair?

Need more room in the car with a growing family? Just hitch this nifty car extension to the trailer hitch on the back of your car and you're able to ride two or three more kids without spending their inheritance or college fund on a bigger vehicle. (Comes with a built-in trunk, too!)

Not exactly a new invention, but a good idea. My locksmith buddy figgered he'd better not be outsmarted by any theivin' wise-guys.

A nice teeter-totter for the kids.

An artistic, decorative fence for the back yard, which, in this case, is on a hill. Betcha ain't never seen a fence this nice in one of those fancy city neighborhoods.

If you have one of those sports cars where the headlights come up from the hood when ya turn 'em on, why spend hunnerds of dollars gittin it fixed when it stops workin', when a $2.00 screwdriver from the dollar store will do the trick?

It's dangerous to be holding a cell phone when you're driving. But you don't need no expensive speakerphone equipment to drive with both hands. Just strap your cell phone to the sterring wheel using one medium to large size rubberband, turn on your cell phone speaker, crank up the volume and chat away. It don't git no cheaper and no simpler than that right there. Most important, it's much safer.

I can't understand why some public bathrooms don't have privacy stalls around the toilets. Now I'm just too modest to be exposin' myself in any public bathroom. So, when I'm trav'lin' and gotta stop to do my bizzniss, and they ain't got no privacy stalls, I go back out to the car and grab my trusty portable privacy stall. It's lightweight and quick and easy to set up and tear down. And it's free if you can get one of those large cardborad shipping boxes from your local Wal Mark or any store that sells large appliances. Perfect for the modest trav'lin' man or woman.

Yup, I'm proud to be a full-blooded, American-born, southern redneck.